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[10 Apr 2007|10:14pm] |
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Everything is fucked
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[14 Mar 2007|02:33pm] |
I am going to college!
what a relief. I will more than likely be attending UNH in durham next year
im sending an app out to plymouth but i am not sure if i want to go there.
we will see
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[10 Jan 2007|07:03pm] |
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fuck. i have fucked up so bad
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| No connection at all |
[06 Jan 2007|10:33pm] |
it seems like the inadequacy shows more and more each day. everytime i feel my self leaning against that back alleyway with a cigarrette in one hand and hope in the other, it all comes rushing back. somewhere somehow, i went wrong. something got skewed and i never saw it coming. and im paying for it now. but maybe the solitude isnt that bad, maybe if i let them feel close, i wont feel so far, maybe i am just playing games. everytime they get close, every part of me screams to let them in, and i do, everytime, but i get them to that certain point where i just have to push them away. it is my biggest downfall. i dont know, i just think there are some places where light doesnt reach. where it cant reach.
im still lagging bad on my applications. im gonna fuck myself over bad.
they said this was supposed to be the best year of your life
maybe i just dont want it to be, because if it is, what do i have left to look forward to. oh how twisted this all is
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| on a balcony over looking nothing |
[13 Dec 2006|03:45pm] |
we are all so fucked up. each in our own ways. im not sure but i do know that the rear view mirror stands for everything i have ever hated about myself
i finally got one application in
it took forever
its to UNH. i dont really want to go there. my mom wants me too but i dont really want to at all. probably because she is pushing me way too much. my choices for college are really just plymouth and unh. id rather go to plymouth. as long as i get in. i can snowboard and idk. im not sure. i know im going to be sick to my stomache when and if the decision comes. because UNH seems like a nicer school and plmouth kind of boring. but i dont know. im already getting sick to my stomache everday atleast once. photo class will be the death of me.
oh well
going to my dads tonight for the second time. i dont know how im gonna walk in and be like. hello i am very happy.
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[09 Dec 2006|04:06pm] |
i have so much anxiety right now. i feel like im going to explode, for lack of a better word. its probably because of tomorrow
so recap of this week
started to get sick monday
afterschool went to work
tuesday
i woke up pretty sick. went to school. got home passed out. called in sick to work.
wednesday
could not get out of bed
thursday
went to school still kind of sick.
did not work
friday
feeling much better
midday, massive migraine hit me. first one in 4 years. i called my mom she came in picked me up. i have a car but in no way was i in any condition to drive home
i left at lunch
did not work friday night after they called me
today
ACTs. im really brain tired. for those who have taken the ACT's or SAT's you know that feeling of your brain just being turned off. i guess im stil really pale. i got work from 5 to 1130 tonight
i wake up tomorrow. older than the day before, and i work for 7 hours. and come home. probably pretty sick again.
awesome!
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[03 Dec 2006|10:22pm] |
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im not even excited for sunday. not even the slightest bit
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[29 Nov 2006|11:37pm] |
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I am currently working on essay (not a school assigned one) about what life would be like with no power in it. when i say power i do not mean electrical or anything of that sort but more so of government. ill post it when im done
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| The sad act like leppers |
[26 Nov 2006|09:09pm] |
she rained for hours with no sign of sunshine, the clouds will never break while the world is still young, it just goes to show, even the most perfect things aren't permanent, ill just be another sad song sung
nope no good.
i need snow more than anything. i just want to strap in and fly farther and higher than ever
this place is making me insane. i need to get out of here
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[23 Nov 2006|09:53pm] |
So i went to go see my first legit concert yesterday
i went to the avalon, with my friends tina gelsomini, tyler masson, and dave ford. to make a long story short, we saw, suburband legenends, who werent amazing, west bound train, which was amazing, Streetlight Manifesto which was unreal, and i didnt stay for reel big fish but they were there also. it was quite an event. i had a blast.
streetlight is so good live its unreal
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[08 Nov 2006|10:21pm] |
Its gotten to the point that everything has become just monotonous. there is nothing that ever changes anymore. i walk around, or drive around. and it has become so routine that i dont remember it actually happening. I start at point A and go to point B but everything in between is gone. I get in my car in the morning and leave my driveway and 20 minutes later im wondering how i got to the parking lot at school. i dont need to think anymore i believe thats the problem. i can walk to classes and never give a thought as to which way im going. i just end up there. Patterns. thats all it is. that is life. a mess of patterns. everything is patterns. patterns and similarities. ive been going for the sake of going, not because i actually want to. im so close to winter though, then everything will be better. the minute i can touch that cold snow and breath a little deeper. it will be different i promise
i just want to apologize to everyone. i dont know why i just feel like i shoudl. i just want to tell you im sorry for being an asshole. im sorry im not incontrol. im sorry your dealing with what your dealing with. im sorry you're stuck here, im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. Im sorry im going crazy on the inside. but on the outside im only a little more different than you are.
ive become so disoriented. and i think its because my head is shutting down. my patterns are starting to get messed up. for no reason. i think my head is telling me that this is not healthy
at work today i wanted to go over to get pans and stuff and id find myself on the other side of the kitchen not knowing how or why i was there. and i would have to think really hard to figure out that i didnt want to be there i wanted to be over the other way. and i would forget again. and again, and again.
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[07 Nov 2006|09:47pm] |
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Happy anniversary to the lovers that said they would never call it quits, and heres to all promising being broken
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[05 Nov 2006|07:07pm] |
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i am in an ultimate search to completely forget myself and anyone who has ever known me. I will never have to worry about anyone or anything after that
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| Title and registration |
[03 Nov 2006|03:52pm] |
i believe that language is our only limitation. i have all these feelings, thoughts and ideas that i cant express because it isnt possible or i just dont have the vocab. I would love to be able to make you feel what i feel so you know what i mean when the lighting is just right and the perfect song just came on as your driving on wooded back roads. The same roads you ride everyday but for some reason this time it seemed just perfect. Its at that moment that your heart comes straight out your chest and you cant tell wether or not its actually a good thing. your in this strange state of purgatory where you feel no pain nor happiness. you just feel whatever it is that is leading you on. in that moment you feel like you can be anything and can do anything. Life no longer owns you and you are free. Its just a fight for freedom. its a fight to stay sane. in those moments its like something inside you lets up and lets go. and as quickly as it starts its over because you realize where you are, and who you are. and those barriers you just broke through are right back up. you become like everyone else again and live for the purpose of living, believing that someday there will be an answer to the madness. I am completely consumed by this depression and it has become me. I have become that sad song on the radio just humming my own tune because no one else can do it for me. And no one else knows the words because they are mine to hold and to hide. I always liked hiding, i feel most comfortable. ive always found more comfort in silence then talking. i guess all ill ever be is a listener.
in other news death cab is playing tonight in boston. and francouer was like i have free tickets want to come. and so i called my mom from school and she said no. but she did ask me to go to the dump instead to get rid of the trash. i guess that will suffice. and to make me feel better she said thanks i appreciate it alot. i just wanted to say i know. and i wasnt gonna argue. i will not be the reason she drinks at night
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[01 Nov 2006|04:13pm] |
umm me and my mom have been bashing heads a lot and i almost got in a bad accident this morning
i fish tailed coming off a red light around a turn, almost hit a navigator and swung back and ended up rubbing up against an island with my tire. no damage besides slight discoloration on my tire. i shook the rest of the way to school. other than that. working on college apps and chunkys is gonna allow me to work as a dishwasher and a cook so i will make ten bucks an hour as a dishwasher. word.
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[30 Oct 2006|07:49pm] |
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heres to everything that was ever wonderful and heres to those who are wonderful.
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| how to survive |
[27 Oct 2006|09:58pm] |
i just got home from a short night of work. it was good besides the fact that im having back problems again, my knees and feet are giving me the same old crap and im way overtired.
i dont know if this happens to anyone else but i sleep atleast 7 hours most nights and i never feel anymore awake if i sleep 12. ive been really stressed so sleep has been incredibly bad. last night was a late night at work when it shouldnt be on a thursday night for chunkys cinema and pub. we were supposed to be out before 11. i didnt get home until 12. couldnt fall asleep till one. woke up at 6 and tried to drive to school witout falling asleep. i managed somehow. considering i havent gone to bed before 12 this week. i havent been eating much. im becoming weaker and weaker. id love to have an appetite again. and through all this i keep trying to skate.
i havent even started my college apps and i should start them this weekend. but i worked 7 hours thursday after school, i worked 3 and a half today and im working 10 or 11 hours tomorrow and 7 hours sunday. i dont know when im supposed to start those while keeping up with grades and trying to have fun and stay sane. neither are working too well. in between fighting with my mom, trying to afford to do things, and just trying to survive its been an uphill battle that is not going anywhere. the future is the only thing i can think of right now and its making this unbearable. im too afraid of failing. and i dont ever want to hurt anyone in my life again. i dont know. i dont ever want to hit the point where i need someone to wipe my own ass. that may sound selfish but i value youth and i never want to have to rely on anyone
its getting late and i cant sleep in at all this weekend so goodnight
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| I've been waiting for so long |
[23 Oct 2006|08:59pm] |
i had an amazing time at garretts and put me in such a good mood. i actually had an appetite for lunch today. first time in a little over 3 months.
but i feel that greyness again. it took no time at all. maybe it was the drunkard or maybe the overheard conversation. all i know is that, i never want to hurt anyone ever again. i do not ever want to cause someone pain.
i can only tlak her for some strange reason
"after 22 years you think id be used to the spin"
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[11 Oct 2006|03:48pm] |
i think ill just start writing stuff in here instead of actual posts. maybe once and a while i will. but i need to get this stuff out i guess.
( Writings of the insanity )
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| The changing leaves make my heart scream |
[08 Oct 2006|11:16pm] |
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The late nights, the early wakes, the ash and smoke, and the monotony of it all. It really breaks a person. It strips them of everything and leaves them with nothing more but this empty sense of fulfillment. And it hurts so much and cuts so deep and everyday feels like some ironic type of déjà vu. And the irony is in the mediocrity of repetitiveness. You just want to break out of it, especially while you are laying on the bathroom floor, starring up at all the mold forming on the ceiling because of those hot showers, and you just want to figure out where you are going and where you’ve been. But most of all you realize that you have no recollection of how you got there. This being because your only defense against the constant pain is forgetting. And all the times you cant pull yourself out of bed, you realize how you crave the pain and the solitude of it because it has become all you know. we are creatures of habit, and this is our greatest downfall. We accept the way things go and we accept it as truth. I can say, I never feel fully awake
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